better

Untitled Collage 2007

It was a matter of being prepared

My deranged up and down confidence is down again. During the Olympics, one commentator said down hill skiers start up high only to come down to success. I wish that metaphor actually made sense.

Any way, I was up all night sad and upset with myself for not being competent at anything.

I can barely get to the dishes, laundry and dinners, let alone make any decent art, I have no job, which means I have no life, I am a failure at being a parent, a wife a friend, blah, blah, blah…

I thought to myself - I am so sick of counting my blessings of which there are so many. I know I have no right to feel so depleted and inadequate. I am so privileged, I have so much (too much). I can tell myself all day these things, I can tell myself I am a talented artist, a giving teacher and patient wife, but in the end none of it really matters when I am feeling that I am not being of any use to any one

Ability and accomplishments aside – what is helping me is trying to understand that most likely many people are feeling the same way. Where did we get the idea that “ happiness” is even out there? Is it those moments of laughing and feeling fine that dissipate so quickly, leave us only wanting more - making us want to run away from difficulty and ignore problems?

I think I want too much. But I need to figure out how to make life work better and feel easier for all of us.

For my family, for my friends, for the world around me, I am going to try harder and I am going to do better.