Any way, I was up all night sad and upset with myself for not being competent at anything.
I can barely get to the dishes, laundry and dinners, let alone make any decent art, I have no job, which means I have no life, I am a failure at being a parent, a wife a friend, blah, blah, blah…
I thought to myself - I am so sick of counting my blessings of which there are so many. I know I have no right to feel so depleted and inadequate. I am so privileged, I have so much (too much). I can tell myself all day these things, I can tell myself I am a talented artist, a giving teacher and patient wife, but in the end none of it really matters when I am feeling that I am not being of any use to any one
Ability and accomplishments aside – what is helping me is trying to understand that most likely many people are feeling the same way. Where did we get the idea that “ happiness” is even out there? Is it those moments of laughing and feeling fine that dissipate so quickly, leave us only wanting more - making us want to run away from difficulty and ignore problems?
I think I want too much. But I need to figure out how to make life work better and feel easier for all of us.
For my family, for my friends, for the world around me, I am going to try harder and I am going to do better.